Sarah Hyland

So , I’m up….and think what kind of stand up wakes up at 7 a.m.? Am a new breed of young stand up? naaaaa, just those who chose to work in a bakery and sell buttercream to people in L.A….the “upperclass” of L.A. who somehow manage to squeeze in the question at a place where butter and lard were invented, ” do you guys have sugar freee, fat freee cake?” “sure, maam, eveything here is made of skim milk and love w/ just a dab of splenda..that’s what makes it the MOST famous cake in the world.” This is what my head says , now what I actually do , is nod and in a passive aggressive way , remark back…” no , just full on FAT…sorry. .I know I know.don’t you wish they made a “skinny jean cake” ? The kind it’s almost like eating air . The kind that when you do your stomach checks in the bathroom that it had NO effect and your stomach front is still flat , and NO muffin top spillage over the sides of your jeans..oh don’t we all yern for a perfect stomach check day?” Those w/ roack hard abs…you will not understand this concept , maybe you did at one time, REALLY understood, that’s why you now HAVE rockhard abs b/c your obsessive compulive enough to do 1, 000, 000 sit ups before and IN bed rather than eat cookies you said you’d save till tomorrow while stalking people(ex’s) on myspace…( when reread , this comment looks as if I have experience doing this….and……..well………….I do. ) Moving on..Just sayin , I’m frustrated , America, I am presuming that the actual country of the great Ameriacas in reading this…my ego is smiling huge…just sayin’ that I m frustrated ..and I DON”T want to go into sell buttercream anymore to ” I parked in the red, so can you speed this up, honey and just get my friggin’ cake?” I don’t want to be “Honey, yeah , you the one in the dirty apron ” anymore…but I guess you have to do what ou have to do..this is my public plee to God, PLEASE HELP!!!!! maybe if God sees that I’ve blogged about my yerning for more meaning than buttercream in my life and its desperate times when you’ve brought other readers into your despair, He’ll be all like, ” oh , I SEE I SEE, here you go, Sarah, here’s your own show…why didn’t you so say earlier? the miracle is all in the blogging, my daughter…all in he blogging. Sant gets snail mail, I get blogs, evn though I HEARD Mr. Claus is now swithing to the interenet as well, good luck getin’service up there ol’ man..but to each there own ..to each there own. Sarah , and oh , by the way , it’s your magic dream job, I hope this is k. the show that you wanted to be the new ” Pee wee’s Playhouse”. It’s all yours AND I went ahead and threw in a mint condtion white G.T.O. , w/ pink leather interior. Seriously , don’t even worry about it..LOVE you SO much. Let me know in future blogs what else your heart desires. Go Ahead and go into the bakery toady and say goodbye to everyone , even the customers you hate..the Slavin’ away at a bakerychapter is over or you, so go ahead and enjoy , Sarah….” SO , there you have it!!!! You heard it from the “Big Man” himself….so I’ll go ahead and go in there today, but this is my last, So I’ll make it golden!! have a great day out there today!!!! I can’t believe I’m getting my dream show……..a new mint condition G.T.O…….damn , I should have asked for rock hard abs…..Santa ….that ones for Santa…LOVE

Is it the humiliation of the apron or the possibility of taking a cake order for his new girlfreind’s b-day cake that made me duck underneath the glass cake case? um ,  it really doesn’t matter which one you choose, what REALLY needs to be focused on here is the fact that I ACTUALLY ducked when I saw that my exboyfriend of 5 years came into the cake shop that I now work at. Sure , we  both went to the same art school ..sure he’s currating his own gallery andI ‘m , well, I’m wearing a #@%%ing apron!!!!,aw man… not this way!!!! Please God, not like this, I can’t see him after years like this.

 The story goes as follows: I’m cutting a cake  for a “normal” paying nonintrusive customer, and I turn my head ever so  slightly when I hear what seems to be my ex’s voice. There out of my  left “stink” eye, I saw the outline of “the” hair. crap…I know it’s him , due to keen sensory of old wound smell. There in that moment,, I had the decision to turn completely and embrace the fact that I was happy to see him and just be what it was which is that I ‘m earning an honest living selling butterlard….but , ladies and gentlemen, no , that is NOT what I did. yeah , I know, I turned, a slight degree to the right , opposite this man and all he ’s bringing to to this angst ridden moment. At the time I was slicing a piece of coconut cake for a well to do  citizen, I just got dizzy , is the best way to describe this moment…a sober black out. I think I ended up cuttung 3 slices , and laying them on top of each other, and i just remember saying ” sorry” over and over to him when I finally ended up handing him his much needed sugerload. I say ”finally” because that handoff happened AFTER I made a slow mo crouch beneath the glass cake case, you may be asking yourself…can he see her? UM…yes ..yes, he can. I crouch in a cat like fashion…slowly make my way low to the ground and check the status on visability to his crotch and his location in the counter measurement. I can’t locate him but my keen senses knew he was there…I still felt college alcoholism begin to seep up from the bottom of my pores….he was there. By this time, my body and mind have gone into extreme panic mode, so reality and good sense have long left the building, all I know is that I have done passed  the integrity line LONG ago. the next leg was to get to the bathroom to check my status on appearance stat. From my crouching position, I stood up slowly as if to say , ex , if you’re up there and I happen to make eye contact with you , I’m totally fine with that , and I’m confident in what is happening here…I’m up…I don’t see him, well, because I shut my eyes. So I pull the next ” oh no please say you didn’t” move, I hold my arm as if I have either burned  it ( how ..I didn’t get that far , but cake counter ’s have been known for their burning abilities? So , anyway, I take off looking at my arm as If it was urgent and a walk  to the back in a quick pace was ABSOLUTLY neccessary. Here’s where the “finally” comes in. I left that customer in mid cake slice….I had to go then . there , I had to make sure if this was going to be the moment that I finally was forced to come eyeball to eyeball w/ “HIM”…I wasn’t going in there w/ oily skin and shitty hair.I made it to the bathroom , I do a full check , no i didnt dueche , but I f i had the oppurtunity , I would have….yes, maam. I stand still for one moment and what came to my head was , “I can’t believe my co-worker who is a gay man who was waiting on him said…”OH my God , that man is beautiful.” what? why that man , why the ex-man?!!!” EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT GAY MEN”S OPINION COUNTS THE MOST!!!!!!! crap. I pull it together, hair slicked, skin blotched w/ out shitty small buisness stock factory toilet paper. I open the door, I make my way through the kitchen…I can see the customer I left standing blue balled right in the middle of coconut slice bliss… he looks on with much confusement…i still walk…I look …”he’s” gone. wow. gone. here it goes, the emotions of a death where nobody died or even noticed that I had a thousand times standing , breathing, crouching, and sweating. DID he see me, did he see me make a COMPLETE duesche out of myself? why did I do that? pussy, I’m a huge pussy, I can’t believe I just did that. I can’t believe he came in here to buy his girlfriend a cake. I could have swore he said her name, yeah , it had to be , that was her name on his myspace page( it was late and I was sick so I got lost and ended up there on a myspace “SLIP” and ya know whatever things happen and there I was , on every single ex’s myspace page I’d ever dated.I was looking for a Fergi video? and she was friends w/ usher and somehow he liked usher ’s pants…..hello? lOOK , all I’m sayin is, On the way over here, I almost got into 2 self induced wrecks, and I walked in front of a moving car…not because of suicidal tendencies but because of some thick power fog that “he” cast upon me by his mere presence in my “moved on ” life. Hollywood  created “x-men” . I have a real superpowered creature in my life called the “ex-man” . By their mere presence in my area …no matter in what way they morph, text message, e-mail, myspace comment ,a publication, a mention of their name,  a motherfuckin’ song..( they’re good, real good) they will manage to intoxicate you w/ their ex funk-a -fog sprayed like a real pro…you can’t see it , they just exude it with their just being well. alive. I still ask myself why I give my “ex’s” SO much power over me in all that I do…I go along my everyday buisness as usual , doin just fine and with one morphistation, I ‘m walking in front of moving vehicles . getting pumped up on” how I’m gonna become famous so they’ll see what that missed attitude.’” I’ve already visualized my Maxim” magazine cover shoot and that fool is singing happy birthday to his new her…damn….but I am gonna look DAMN good on that cover…afterall, I got my OWN superpowers…ladypowers….love till next time…SHAZAM!!!!

I gotta admit, coming from a place where I used to hate my famly and everything they stood for ….it’s a “miracle” that I just came back from Kentucky with the feeling that my family is the f@#$’in best. I mean , wow. My mom met me at the airport with full on smile, knowing that I know she can barely stand there any longer becas she’s goin’ over what needs to be done next on the Hyland family planning chart..BUT she fakes it and gives me a hug only a german mother can give. Warm at first for I’d say the first 2 seconds than to an uncomfortable letting go of the arm grips and easing back in to th chillyness that only german’s can seem to spew from their pores. She did good though, she went past her comfort zone of the 2 second pullback rule and let me in there for about 2 seconds longer. to many this may seem mundane but to the huggee( me) it’s leaps and bounds from which she came. In which she came? Sarah, what are you sayin…oh , i answer that…my equally German frigid grandma Gutsell who towers over ants at a a mere 3 ft. 11 in.Yep, Rita Gutsgel. My main girl. I saw my grandma this week at a cousins wedding( picture Brittany and k-fed) yet , somehow, my cousin is WAY better than retard spears, the k-Fed comparison is pretty spot on…..anyhoo, I leaned down to Grandma G and said, ” I love you.” her reply,”mmmm………………………………………………………………………………………………….same.”
Warms the soul doesn’t it? No matter , I keep at her. Does this detour or get me down? NO, I smell Challenge.I redirect my tactics is all. I have figured out that I will have to go at her in rapid fire so she can’t single out what is being said to her so easily. I have to use my strengths and her weakness…Me, I’m quick, Her, alittle slower on brain processing her initial youthful reactions.
So, the plan, ( remember , this is the bloodline in which I come…2 second huggers w/ an almost “incrediable hulk like ” reactions if tht 2 second rule is crossed w/ inappropiate love exchange. SOSOSO. I say this with love and admiration) now, that I’ve covered my own ass, I have nothing against my 3ft.11 in. grandma who answers I love you with the same reaction as I would to ” you look tired”….me, “”MMMMM.” ( with the underlying thought of , ugh, who says thatshit? F%%^’in rude. YOU look tired, ya dusche.)
So , I go over to my grandma’s house( old peolpe’s apt. homes) I walk in and say, ” grandma, I love your home.” ( before you read on, please note that my grandma’s voice is to be read in a low very southern accent , ya know, old like…k)so again, me, “grandma , I love your home.”
Grandma,”this ain’t my home.”
me,” well, you’ve done a great job w/ it.”
Grndma, ” the house we used to live in is my home…50 yrs….but I did hate my neighbors.”
me,” oh the ones w/ the dirt in their back yard and that chained up dog? I remember them.”
” Grandma,” they were jews.”
my inner thoughts….wow, my g-ma is a racist, but somehow I know that if I were sitting around w/ other old ass women of her time, of different ethniticiies, it would be the same and it ‘d probably make sense and be ok. For instance , if there were an afriacan american 86 yr. old woman that, ” she may have chimed in w/ ” yeah , that’s right and on the other side if me was this old crackerass motherfucker..crackerass whitey…..” and it would have been just as ok as when my grandma muttered “Jew.”
To end this so i can go to bed, My final tactic as I was leaving, I said “grandma , I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU ILOVE YOU…” rapid fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandma, ” I love you.” yesysesysesysesyses!!! It was low and muttled but I heard it, I have won and so has she. I swore I saw just a small puddle below her feet as I got on the elevater, no, it wasn’t pee. I know she’s old, but my girl can hold her buisness in there. warrior. no , it was just a small bit of ice that melted off thatol’ german heart . I left w/ a smile knowing that she never knew what hit her , but her heart was well aware. Grandma, this is for you…..ILOVE YOUIN LOVE YOUILOVEYOUI LOVEYOUILOVEYOU!!!!!!!!
So , if you have a grandma /grandpa out there…hit wem’ rapid fire…it’s the only method proven to work on the hardest cases…even works on JEWS. God love and Godspeed…..love.

1. the sound of cicada’s… more so , my mother’s reaction to the noise of cicada’s ( which is like crickets each w/ individual microphones) me: “oh, I love that sound ! I miss it SO much!! It’s good to be home!”my mother: ” I hope they all choke and die…I can barely focus to do my Soduku puzzle…little asshoes( by the way, yes, this is the word , assholes, but in Ky. is said , asshoes…no “L” like asian almost.)( me staring at her for long pause)……whut?”

me: “nothing, just never heard bugs being referred to as asshoes”

2. happy fat people…..together..eating corn chips as if to say fuck you,     health….FUCK you…GO KATS!!! again my mother, “I wish they’d all choke and die…asshoes.”

3. State Fair signs with the date and location of next gun show….

4. fat happy people …together…eating corn chips reading state fair sign getting excited at the picure of gun, but confused at the letter coding called…English… to those who can read this.

5. $35 hair cuts…if it were just the hair cut I’d say who cares, right? but um, do you know a salon who throws in a $2 dollar Uof K flat iron ” carrier”  made from hand straight from the heart?  the $2 bucks is now on its way to some 85 yr. old woman named Rita sitting on her stoop waiting for the man on the horse with the bushel bag to ride around the holler and hand over $2 hard earned dollars from my hand to her moomoo pocket. How do I know it’s made by an 85 yr. old named Rita? The sign on the basket said so…and I am assuming that she lives in a holler for the simple reason that my handmade flat iron carrier is made from bed quilting…and it had holler dirt on it. ..yes, holler dirt, it has a specific smell…almost like corn chips   w/ a tinge of incest.

6. I am seen as skinny here…almost anorexic like. Looks of concern from family members and childhood hair cutters…”good Lord, Sarah, you doin’okay?sheeit, whateryoueatinout ‘dere?” ( out there being L.A. where I have resided for 6 years )I said “of course…plates and plates of low self esteem and bottles of ego, plus LÁ’s air is TOTALLY fat free.”  YYYEEEAAHH!  I do love L.A. It’s the place I  am considered hefty at 5′9 135 lbs. yes, our internal organs are shutting down and imploding due too self induced self destruction of iceberg lettucehead pieces dipped in fat free mustard  diets BUT I got an agent !!!!!!!!!!! and I chose glossy in my headshots which I  am told brings out my youth. To live and die in L.A….thank you TuPac, our skinny white girls are hearing you loud and clear…they took you seriously…did  I mention that I’m seen as skinny here? I’m currently looking into property ….

7. nicotine and whiskey =Kentucky’s air and water program.

8. Doesn’t matter what kind of meat it is…ketchup’s goin’on it.

9.coming home is always bittersweet…Do I contact the old prom date is was the town heartthrob for a rendevous….wait a minute, didn’t he have a flytrap above his bead ?”      “I wish he’d choke and die” - my mother.

10. refer to #9. My high school prom date. maybe I will , maybe I won’t …but this is for sure. I WILL , who am I kidding? I already did a drive by …I couldn’t help it ! My car just went that way!!!! I swear!! Girls, you got my back , right???!!! Come on ,it’s like you know, just checkin…just seein if he ’s still alive , ya know, it’s a humanity thing more than anything, an act of sincereity!! Stalkerish?? no, uh uh, nope, seriously just checkin to see he’s not dead…but serioulsy , I didn’t see his car, wonder if he’s alive or moved is he dating someone now or , i woder if I know her, doesn’t matter but anyway, his house looks like shit anyway, probably doing shitty, yeah , so whatever..I should call him, nah, got a boyfreind, yeah , no, i’ll call him, but …in 2 days, wen this zit is gone. I have to be perfect. but who cares he’s proabably fat…good. whatever. It’s not like i care…..Ï wish he ‘d choke and die”  -my mother. “mom, what are you doin in my inner thoughts? “     “honey,’I'll ALWAYS be in here ..love you..now pipe it down…I can’t focus on my soduku puzzle.”‘

love.

Yes, hi everyone. I watched a Fergi video this morning and well, I’ve been inspired to get my nails did. Why , Sarah , must you feel like sharing this with everyone? Well, I say because look for inspiration everywhere, all up in the  Fergi. I am somewhat of a bling rebel. I am locked down on my hippie “don’t look at me” style of hybernation wear, but on the inside is this big ol shiny diamond blingy ring that’s like,”HOLLA!” yes,  somewhere deep in my soul hollaz ,” SOUTHSIDE!” (in an Appalacian sort of way, but still) SO , I think it is due time America, that I let out the diva inside, Fergi’s done it , Cristina ’s done it, hell, even Avril Levigne had her paws in Princess jar..( sounds abit lesbianic) yep, I feel highlights and something  “hooterish” comin’ on. Please don’t be mad at me folks , but I feel the need. I can’t take these stubs I call nails anymore. I never got nails b/c I thought , ‘ well, what if an adobe needs to be built or someone needs a tree lifted than I remembered I don’t live in the woods….anymore or in Mexico…anymore. ( it was Tiajuana…and it was only once, shitfaced don’t remember , and if you don’t remember it doesn’t count..Hyland rule)  SO ladies and gents on with the nails and off with hippie lumberjacknailbuds of mine and bring on the acrylic! Did someone say airbrush tiger claw marks? You better beleive it , America… roar. …God, I hope they can use a rhinestone as the eyeball of an eagle. Love.

hi everyone!! Just a little blog-y-poo today to let people , ( at least my mother) know that I’m alive and out of bed. It is almost 3 p.m. , but I have been known to just be having my morning ho ho right about now. So, mom , if you’re reading this…I’m up. Somedays, I haven’t lived at home for almost 10 years, and have not had my mother wake me up since catching 1st bus in the morning at age 10, but somedays , I still wake up with a breathless panic attack with my mothers’ voice in my head , “SARAH, WAKE UP!!! GODAMN IT ! and I AIN’T GONNA DRIVE YOUR ASS TOO SKEWL ( SCHOOL) LATE AGAIN!!! YOU BETTER NOT MISS THE BUSSSSSS!!! SON OF A BITCH…GODDANG IT , SARAH , GET UP!!!! I MADE YOU A HO HO FOR BREAKFAST!!! IS THAT DOG SHIT ON MY BED?????????? SSSSAAAARRRRAAHHH!!!…oh , the good ol’ days, my mom may not be with me in person , but good lord is she with me in my slumbering and sobering moments of morning panic attacks. My mother is a go getter , no feeler…. so am I . If I haven’t conquered the world by 9 am , I have failed…so to make up for my lack of honor and usefulness and in alittle gluttuoness self induced punishment I walk the steps instead of taking the escaltors at any chance possible. I almost convince myself they are broken ( by the way, this is not a stretch for me to live in a state of pure denial..), even if in perfect working condition, becase after all I need to work off that the suger free moch freezy blend, I HAD TO HAVE if I were to continue on living, that I orederd but shouldn’t have, but in a mere slip , I did, if I had a tea or perhaps a water, hell, make it a vita-water..(100 more calories, but still classified as healthy and doesn’t count as guilt worthy.If worrying and thinking about yourself is a  calorie burner , I’d be 2 lbs. , (MY goal weight since birth by the way, ), maybe a little less physiacl activity would be needed, but I choose gluttony , there fore I choose the steps. Again , thank you mom for pushing me to take the path of a warrior. Escalators are for the entitled, not us, ma, the real pioneers of  overworked womanhood.I love my mother, and her mother , my grandma, who I choose to call Princess, even though she won’t accept this has her title. After all ,this might lead to an idea that she is worthy of love and perhaps even a hug. The mark of a true german woman. ..when hugged, you lock up as if being attacked by a bear with a hankering for well, meat. That’s my heritage..but , Ma, we’re doin’ our best , huh? It ain’t easy being a lady, we bleed. For th rest of my day,  I will keep you close to my heart ,Ma. , and if I see a flight of stairs you better believe somewhere an escaltors feeling are being hurt for lack of this Hyland’s attention. Love you , ma…thanks for teaching me that getting to the top requires effort and a good sports bra. Happy mama’s day!! Yes, It is a day after, but A.D.D. and a sincere dedication to old immature behavior has me in it’s grips. LOVE.

Hi everyone! So this is my first blog ever…I finally feel “amongst” the human race . Afterall, you ‘re noone if you ‘re not blogging…sounds nasty when reread a second time. Anyhoo, thanks for coming to my website…you like? I hope you do , I like you. I am out of a job currently so I have time to do this kind of senseless reading and writing to anyone who will listen. I am very excited most of the time so I’m glad that I will get to communicate to people that are actually real rather than just to me and my own voices….yuck, yuck , yuck. Please enjoy the website and videos, let me know if there is any character you ‘d like to see or whatev, you know, no no no no no, no nudity ..no. I have a mother and a father who have had a heavy hand in creating this website, so really , lets keep it Jesus like . I love you and thank you SSOSOOSOSO much for being my friend. I need you, my happiness depends on you needing me……..LOVE.